i am a living machine.

"dwayne's real mother was a spinster school teacher who wrote sentimental poetry and claimed to be descended from richard the lion-hearted, who was a king. his real father was an itinerant typesetter, who seduced his mother by setting her poems in type. he didn't sneak them into a newspaper or anything. it was enough for her that they were set in type.

she was a defective child-bearing machine. she destroyed herself automatically while giving birth to dwayne. the printer disappeared. he was a disappearing machine."

-kurt vonnegut, breakfast of champions.

today i find the stature of capital letters offensive, but i really enjoy punctuation, especially periods, but not ellipses. just one is more affective i feel. i like things in neat packages. here is the beginning, here is the end. i know, i'm a square. i like those too, squares. i don't care much for circles, no beginning or end.

what else i like is when people talk about people as machines. we are not computers, but our bodies follow strict rules of mechanics, physics and precise rhythms, except our brains of course. emotions come from a place of mystery, or maybe i just don't know enough about neurons and synapses and such things, but on that matter i think i would rather stay ignorant.

at any rate it is good for me to think. and exercise and interact like i did today, because all this worrying is getting in the way of my daydreaming. and also i need to re-learn relaxing and talking and optimism.